I have a file entitled "Not Posted". These are the entries I have been too afraid to post. Reading back through them, I learn more and more about myself, my growth today and what really matters. Here is a post I wrote in a very down time when I was unemployed. I still feel this way on many occasion even though I am employed, but today I walk a little taller and I run a little faster. I know that I am headed in the right direction, because I know who is guiding me. I still have fear, but as I have said many times before, the most fearful aspects of life end up as the most worth while.
Monday, January 12, 2009
I find myself wanting to feel things again. I want butterflies and bashfulness. I want to be proud of my home and of the risks I choose to take. I want to turn the key to a home I created, and lay in the bed I designed. I want to get frustrated because I wake up and it’s Monday and not Saturday.
I remember I used to look out my car window driving home from work and I was so proud of myself for the life I had made for myself. I did not depend on anything but God and myself to get where I was. I woke up excited and went home content. I was actually marking things off of my “List of Things to Do in Life”.
I do feel things still. I feel fear. I feel confused, completely lost. I know there is light somewhere at the end of this tunnel, and I know it is not a train. I just wish I had a quick remedy to get rid of this grey cloud up above.
Most of the time I am just mad. Mad at myself for getting this way and thinking like this. When did I start feeling so sorry for myself? When did I start letting the world get to me. Is this depression, because I refuse to be depressed? I have more confidence in myself than that.
I know I am strong and I know I am bigger than all this. I guess right now it is a matter of getting up and being bigger than this.
I am just so ready for the day I surround myself with someone who can look at me and know exactly what I am feeling or thinking.
Is that real?
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