Don't Stop Believin'

I think I was about 14 or 15 when I started praying. When I really understood what it meant to rely on God and have a faith in Him. Now of course my beliefs and my questions have developed over the years, but I have always prayed. That has never stopped, but how I pray has changed. In my younger years, my prayers sounded more like a wish list or a Christmas list than a conversation. Out of all the things I have prayed for, or about, in my life there is one prayer that taught me more by not being answered.

I was the “fat kid” for a good portion of my life. I loved being a tomboy and having all the boys as my friends. I was never shy or nervous in front of them because I guess I was like them…..hell I looked like them!!! Then high school started creeping around the corner. I noticed the boys started liking other girls and talking to pretty girls. All of a sudden, I was left behind. So, I did what a lot of girls did then, I stopped eating. Soon, I found myself wearing a size 2, running every day and only eating ½ a bagel in the morning and the other ½ at night. Much to my surprise, I still never got asked to a dance. So, I started praying.

Every night when I went to sleep I ended my prayers in tears, begging God to let me have a boyfriend. I wanted to know what it was like to be “liked”. I wanted to know someone was actually looking at me and liking what they saw. I didn’t want to keep hoping someone would ask me to the dance knowing I would have to ask one of my friends from another school. I just knew that if I prayed every night hard enough God would certainly give me what I needed. At the time, I didn’t know how right I was.

I ended my nightly prayers with a boyfriend request well into college. Still, no answer. What I didn’t know was that He was actually answering me. I have spent a large portion of my life thinking I need feelings from someone else to make me feel normal. To make me like everyone else. Finding that love of your life was the whole point of going to college, right? Well, I have some news……

I found love. I was 24, living in “paradise” with a man who adored me. Everything was great. He was the life of the party, but showed me a sincere side no one else got to see. He made me feel like I was the core of his life. Everything he did was for us……but it wasn’t. I finally had to start asking myself how much he really loved me if he never respected one request I ever made. From putting his plate in the sink to cutting back on his drinking, he never once listened to what I wanted. If everything he did was for us, then why was it all done at my expense? I finally looked at him and realized how much I used to like myself. At that point, all I wanted in life was to get myself back.

So, I did. I cried. I moved. I cried some more. I made new friends. Rekindled with old friends. Tried new things. Moved again. Then, I realized, I had stopped crying and started laughing. Laughing at everything!!!!

Today, I was on my way home from work, driving along the water, and two thoughts hit me right in the face:

If you find yourself loving someone more than you love yourself, you will find yourself missing out on the best part of life.

I love to stand on the edge of a cliff, because the thrill isn’t in jumping, it’s in finding out what pushes you. Sometimes you don’t even notice the thrill until you have hit the ground and look up.

I guess you could say God did answer my prayer. While I was asking for a boyfriend, God heard the needs of my heart and he gave it to me.