So I feel the need to clear something up. I first need to admit I have a hard time getting across the point I am trying to make, and most times end up making the wrong point.
If you read through my blog you will see plenty of entries or references to love and relationships. Who doesn’t think about this stuff, right? But I believe my comments have led my amazing blog followers to believe I am “looking” for these things I am writing about. I guess in essence I am, because what single person isn’t, but I am most definitely not actively searching.
Every day brings a lesson, whether that lesson is delivered through experience, observation or reflection. This is basically the theme of my blogs and really of my life now. I want to take in everything I see, feel and touch and learn from it. When I write about relationships, I am writing about something I have just learned or observed, and simply documenting it.
My life is so full of lessons right now, I swear. I want to fly fish, mountain bike, work on a captain’s license and even start to write songs. I would love to be able to sing my songs, but let’s not get too carried away. To give everyone the correct impression of how I am feeling about my personal relationships today, I would say I am just living. I am living for myself, my friends and my family. I am living to take in every moment, because to be honest, when I get to those pearly gates and I see David Smith, he is going to ask me why I didn’t mark off that List Of Things To Do In Life.
Of course there are times I wish I had someone there with me, but I don’t want to waste my emotions on that one. I would rather be ecstatic about each day’s moments, instead of wondering why I don’t have a boyfriend or husband with me. Actually the word husband still scares me.
So anyway, please read my blogs with the understanding that I am not trying to figure out why I don’t have a significant other, because I don’t need a reason. I create my own reasons. I am not out in this unbelievable world trying to find someone to spend my life with. I love me right now, maybe a little more than I should, but I am pretty cool. I think it would be awesome to meet someone who likes what I do and wants to jump on the wagon, but I don’t “need” that. It makes me happy to have family and friends who like to jump on the wagon in my life, but all that other love stuff will come when it needs to. There is no point in me “waiting around” for it.
I love my fellow bloggers and honestly look in my email every day anticipating a comment. I love the comments. It would only make sense that a single 26 year old would be getting antsy to meet her husband, but ya’ll gotta remember, this is me. I am no ordinary 26 year old.
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
Sunday, August 24, 2008
I Need A Shepherd
I literally have been laying in the bed for over an hour trying to silence all the thoughts running around in my head. I swear I have a little A.D.D man running around trying to herd cats in my head.
What time am I going to get up in the morning so I can get to work early enough to map out a weekly plan that gives me time to do my work and gives my new employee enough responsibilities to fill up her days? How am I going to convince wine distributors who are struggling in today’s economy to take a gamble on my event? I need to get more restaurants to participate in my Brunch, but the only way to reach these people is to walk into their kitchens which are two hours away from where I live.
By the way, this weekend is my birthday and what in the hell am I going to do!!?? I feel guilty for taking the time to enjoy myself and let loose when there is way too much to worry about at work right now.
Among all of this I have been trying my hand at writing songs. I don’t like anything that has come out of my head so far. It’s like I can feel the words to about 10 different songs in my head, but for some reason I can’t get them to come together to make any sense. I want to write about Ford, I want to write about David, about Loser’s, about taking the time you have right this second to do all the things you have ever wanted to do. Do I want to exaggerate a story to make a better song, or do I want to stay true to myself and tell it like it is? GET OUT…...
You know how people say you close a chapter in life and start on a new one, or you are turning a page? I fee like I am turning. Like my page is somewhere in the air on its way to a complete turn.
I have been having these headaches every day for about 5 months and they seem to be getting a little stronger. I don’t think I EVER had headaches before. So now, I am going off birth control to see if that is the cause. Great. Take away the one thing that keeps my moods and hormones on a predictable and controllable path so for the next three months I will just be a hormonal bitch with a headache. That will help get all these cats herded.
I mean, I just wish this page would turn so I could know what it is my thoughts are trying to get out. I swear this better be a damn good song stuck in my head.
P.S. I tend to write multiple blogs at one time, so read the one below here. It is new too.
What time am I going to get up in the morning so I can get to work early enough to map out a weekly plan that gives me time to do my work and gives my new employee enough responsibilities to fill up her days? How am I going to convince wine distributors who are struggling in today’s economy to take a gamble on my event? I need to get more restaurants to participate in my Brunch, but the only way to reach these people is to walk into their kitchens which are two hours away from where I live.
By the way, this weekend is my birthday and what in the hell am I going to do!!?? I feel guilty for taking the time to enjoy myself and let loose when there is way too much to worry about at work right now.
Among all of this I have been trying my hand at writing songs. I don’t like anything that has come out of my head so far. It’s like I can feel the words to about 10 different songs in my head, but for some reason I can’t get them to come together to make any sense. I want to write about Ford, I want to write about David, about Loser’s, about taking the time you have right this second to do all the things you have ever wanted to do. Do I want to exaggerate a story to make a better song, or do I want to stay true to myself and tell it like it is? GET OUT…...
You know how people say you close a chapter in life and start on a new one, or you are turning a page? I fee like I am turning. Like my page is somewhere in the air on its way to a complete turn.
I have been having these headaches every day for about 5 months and they seem to be getting a little stronger. I don’t think I EVER had headaches before. So now, I am going off birth control to see if that is the cause. Great. Take away the one thing that keeps my moods and hormones on a predictable and controllable path so for the next three months I will just be a hormonal bitch with a headache. That will help get all these cats herded.
I mean, I just wish this page would turn so I could know what it is my thoughts are trying to get out. I swear this better be a damn good song stuck in my head.
P.S. I tend to write multiple blogs at one time, so read the one below here. It is new too.
All That I Want
For some reason, my birthday makes me think about Love. (I know this sounds like it could be cheesy and I promise I am not trying to make it that way.) I start to think about why people love each other, how people love each other, what was the point of God instilling this need for love into our hearts. Maybe I think about this because I have never had a boyfriend on my birthday to make me feel like I stood out. Maybe it’s because I grew up with a mother who never once let a year go by without a birthday party and who’s heart broke when my surprise party got ruined by someone’s mom leaving a message on our answering machine. P.S. don’t ever do that. Just ask them to call you back.
I was sitting here thinking about what I want for my birthday. I could easily write out a list of things I want or need right now, but that isn’t fun. To me your birthday isn’t so much about standing out in a crowd; it’s about feeling like you stand out to the people who stand out to you. Yes it would be nice to get a mountain bike or fly fishing lessons or even some new running socks, but what would be the ultimate? To me, it would be having someone show up at my door unexpected to pick me up so we can roll down the windows, drive to nowhere and turn the music up. Or actually get something like fly fishing lessons, simply because they have been paying attention to what I am saying and hear the need for some casting guidance.
I guess my stumbling block is this…you can’t actually tell someone how to love you. You can’t really be in a relationship that is missing romance and tell that person they need to be more romantic, because they will only be romantic because you told them to be, not because they wanted to be. So how did that work? Isn’t there still something missing?
Now for the record I am no pro at this whole love thing. This Saturday is not only my 26th birthday, but it is basically my 26th anniversary of being single. I haven’t actually had what you would call serious relationships or even “good” ones, but I am pretty sure about one thing:
Love is being in a relationship that doesn’t make you think like this.
I was sitting here thinking about what I want for my birthday. I could easily write out a list of things I want or need right now, but that isn’t fun. To me your birthday isn’t so much about standing out in a crowd; it’s about feeling like you stand out to the people who stand out to you. Yes it would be nice to get a mountain bike or fly fishing lessons or even some new running socks, but what would be the ultimate? To me, it would be having someone show up at my door unexpected to pick me up so we can roll down the windows, drive to nowhere and turn the music up. Or actually get something like fly fishing lessons, simply because they have been paying attention to what I am saying and hear the need for some casting guidance.
I guess my stumbling block is this…you can’t actually tell someone how to love you. You can’t really be in a relationship that is missing romance and tell that person they need to be more romantic, because they will only be romantic because you told them to be, not because they wanted to be. So how did that work? Isn’t there still something missing?
Now for the record I am no pro at this whole love thing. This Saturday is not only my 26th birthday, but it is basically my 26th anniversary of being single. I haven’t actually had what you would call serious relationships or even “good” ones, but I am pretty sure about one thing:
Love is being in a relationship that doesn’t make you think like this.
Thursday, August 7, 2008
Don't Stop Believin'
I think I was about 14 or 15 when I started praying. When I really understood what it meant to rely on God and have a faith in Him. Now of course my beliefs and my questions have developed over the years, but I have always prayed. That has never stopped, but how I pray has changed. In my younger years, my prayers sounded more like a wish list or a Christmas list than a conversation. Out of all the things I have prayed for, or about, in my life there is one prayer that taught me more by not being answered.
I was the “fat kid” for a good portion of my life. I loved being a tomboy and having all the boys as my friends. I was never shy or nervous in front of them because I guess I was like them…..hell I looked like them!!! Then high school started creeping around the corner. I noticed the boys started liking other girls and talking to pretty girls. All of a sudden, I was left behind. So, I did what a lot of girls did then, I stopped eating. Soon, I found myself wearing a size 2, running every day and only eating ½ a bagel in the morning and the other ½ at night. Much to my surprise, I still never got asked to a dance. So, I started praying.
Every night when I went to sleep I ended my prayers in tears, begging God to let me have a boyfriend. I wanted to know what it was like to be “liked”. I wanted to know someone was actually looking at me and liking what they saw. I didn’t want to keep hoping someone would ask me to the dance knowing I would have to ask one of my friends from another school. I just knew that if I prayed every night hard enough God would certainly give me what I needed. At the time, I didn’t know how right I was.
I ended my nightly prayers with a boyfriend request well into college. Still, no answer. What I didn’t know was that He was actually answering me. I have spent a large portion of my life thinking I need feelings from someone else to make me feel normal. To make me like everyone else. Finding that love of your life was the whole point of going to college, right? Well, I have some news……
I found love. I was 24, living in “paradise” with a man who adored me. Everything was great. He was the life of the party, but showed me a sincere side no one else got to see. He made me feel like I was the core of his life. Everything he did was for us……but it wasn’t. I finally had to start asking myself how much he really loved me if he never respected one request I ever made. From putting his plate in the sink to cutting back on his drinking, he never once listened to what I wanted. If everything he did was for us, then why was it all done at my expense? I finally looked at him and realized how much I used to like myself. At that point, all I wanted in life was to get myself back.
So, I did. I cried. I moved. I cried some more. I made new friends. Rekindled with old friends. Tried new things. Moved again. Then, I realized, I had stopped crying and started laughing. Laughing at everything!!!!
Today, I was on my way home from work, driving along the water, and two thoughts hit me right in the face:
If you find yourself loving someone more than you love yourself, you will find yourself missing out on the best part of life.
I love to stand on the edge of a cliff, because the thrill isn’t in jumping, it’s in finding out what pushes you. Sometimes you don’t even notice the thrill until you have hit the ground and look up.
I guess you could say God did answer my prayer. While I was asking for a boyfriend, God heard the needs of my heart and he gave it to me.
I was the “fat kid” for a good portion of my life. I loved being a tomboy and having all the boys as my friends. I was never shy or nervous in front of them because I guess I was like them…..hell I looked like them!!! Then high school started creeping around the corner. I noticed the boys started liking other girls and talking to pretty girls. All of a sudden, I was left behind. So, I did what a lot of girls did then, I stopped eating. Soon, I found myself wearing a size 2, running every day and only eating ½ a bagel in the morning and the other ½ at night. Much to my surprise, I still never got asked to a dance. So, I started praying.
Every night when I went to sleep I ended my prayers in tears, begging God to let me have a boyfriend. I wanted to know what it was like to be “liked”. I wanted to know someone was actually looking at me and liking what they saw. I didn’t want to keep hoping someone would ask me to the dance knowing I would have to ask one of my friends from another school. I just knew that if I prayed every night hard enough God would certainly give me what I needed. At the time, I didn’t know how right I was.
I ended my nightly prayers with a boyfriend request well into college. Still, no answer. What I didn’t know was that He was actually answering me. I have spent a large portion of my life thinking I need feelings from someone else to make me feel normal. To make me like everyone else. Finding that love of your life was the whole point of going to college, right? Well, I have some news……
I found love. I was 24, living in “paradise” with a man who adored me. Everything was great. He was the life of the party, but showed me a sincere side no one else got to see. He made me feel like I was the core of his life. Everything he did was for us……but it wasn’t. I finally had to start asking myself how much he really loved me if he never respected one request I ever made. From putting his plate in the sink to cutting back on his drinking, he never once listened to what I wanted. If everything he did was for us, then why was it all done at my expense? I finally looked at him and realized how much I used to like myself. At that point, all I wanted in life was to get myself back.
So, I did. I cried. I moved. I cried some more. I made new friends. Rekindled with old friends. Tried new things. Moved again. Then, I realized, I had stopped crying and started laughing. Laughing at everything!!!!
Today, I was on my way home from work, driving along the water, and two thoughts hit me right in the face:
If you find yourself loving someone more than you love yourself, you will find yourself missing out on the best part of life.
I love to stand on the edge of a cliff, because the thrill isn’t in jumping, it’s in finding out what pushes you. Sometimes you don’t even notice the thrill until you have hit the ground and look up.
I guess you could say God did answer my prayer. While I was asking for a boyfriend, God heard the needs of my heart and he gave it to me.
Sunday, August 3, 2008
The Best Month EVER
Much better. I was getting really sick of that green and brown color. I am sure I will get sick of this one too, but it works for now.
It has been a pretty rough week. Work is wearing me down, my personal life went berserk, and I have been an emotional basket case. Poor me. Cry me a river. What I should be thinking is how grateful I am to not only have a job, but to have one I love. I should be thankful he doesn’t think I am a lunatic for being so dramatic. What can I say? I miss him.
This weekend was a great start to a new perspective and the best month ever. It is finally August. For a whole month I get to celebrate my birthday!! Who knows if I actually have the right to, but I sure do love to enjoy my birthday. Here is the run-down of the month and I am soooo excited!
Aug 1. Got to reunite with an old friend. My mom told me that my friend Lyles lived down here with her husband and little girl. I haven’t seen Lyles in years and didn’t even know what she was doing. We talked for a good hour and with such ease. It is always good to catch up with an old friend, but even better to pick up where you left off.
Aug 2. Amazing party here in Gulf Shores for Drew and Hannah!! I got to wear a really pretty dress (thank you Jana!!) and play P&A with some old friends from school. That’s right, we brought out drinking games at an engagement party. Perfect.
Aug 6. Possible Journey concert with my sweet friend Jana and her husband. Why not?
Aug 8-9. Nashville comes to the beach!! Laurel, Pallie, Libby (who has never seen the Gulf), and Miranda are headed down to see me…and I guess the beach too. The weekend will be filled with some hot sun time, tasty cookouts, and unforgettable memories. We will certainly miss Sarah, but I am sure we will spare a few laughs at her expense. She does have a way of making people smile even when she isn’t there.
Aug 14-17. Lee will be down here and hopefully I will get to spend some time with him. I am going to spend the weekend at the Bay with mom, dad, Gibbs, Prad, Prad’s parents and uncle Michael. I smile just thinking about it!!
Aug 22-23. Dikki Du and the Zydeco Krew!!!! Hell yeah. I am headed to SoWal to see my girls and get a little zydeco in my step. I’m even going to stop in at my new favorite bar over there, La Botana, to get me some birthday champagne and some good laughs.
Aug 30. Freckle Fest has arrived!!!!!!!! I will turn 26, probably add some more grey hair to my head and smile for days on end.
No matter what is going on in your life, always and I mean always take the time to enjoy it. Make a big deal out of the little things. I promise you will have more fun each and every day.
It has been a pretty rough week. Work is wearing me down, my personal life went berserk, and I have been an emotional basket case. Poor me. Cry me a river. What I should be thinking is how grateful I am to not only have a job, but to have one I love. I should be thankful he doesn’t think I am a lunatic for being so dramatic. What can I say? I miss him.
This weekend was a great start to a new perspective and the best month ever. It is finally August. For a whole month I get to celebrate my birthday!! Who knows if I actually have the right to, but I sure do love to enjoy my birthday. Here is the run-down of the month and I am soooo excited!
Aug 1. Got to reunite with an old friend. My mom told me that my friend Lyles lived down here with her husband and little girl. I haven’t seen Lyles in years and didn’t even know what she was doing. We talked for a good hour and with such ease. It is always good to catch up with an old friend, but even better to pick up where you left off.
Aug 2. Amazing party here in Gulf Shores for Drew and Hannah!! I got to wear a really pretty dress (thank you Jana!!) and play P&A with some old friends from school. That’s right, we brought out drinking games at an engagement party. Perfect.
Aug 6. Possible Journey concert with my sweet friend Jana and her husband. Why not?
Aug 8-9. Nashville comes to the beach!! Laurel, Pallie, Libby (who has never seen the Gulf), and Miranda are headed down to see me…and I guess the beach too. The weekend will be filled with some hot sun time, tasty cookouts, and unforgettable memories. We will certainly miss Sarah, but I am sure we will spare a few laughs at her expense. She does have a way of making people smile even when she isn’t there.
Aug 14-17. Lee will be down here and hopefully I will get to spend some time with him. I am going to spend the weekend at the Bay with mom, dad, Gibbs, Prad, Prad’s parents and uncle Michael. I smile just thinking about it!!
Aug 22-23. Dikki Du and the Zydeco Krew!!!! Hell yeah. I am headed to SoWal to see my girls and get a little zydeco in my step. I’m even going to stop in at my new favorite bar over there, La Botana, to get me some birthday champagne and some good laughs.
Aug 30. Freckle Fest has arrived!!!!!!!! I will turn 26, probably add some more grey hair to my head and smile for days on end.
No matter what is going on in your life, always and I mean always take the time to enjoy it. Make a big deal out of the little things. I promise you will have more fun each and every day.
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