I think I was about 14 or 15 when I started praying. When I really understood what it meant to rely on God and have a faith in Him. Now of course my beliefs and my questions have developed over the years, but I have always prayed. That has never stopped, but how I pray has changed. In my younger years, my prayers sounded more like a wish list or a Christmas list than a conversation. Out of all the things I have prayed for, or about, in my life there is one prayer that taught me more by not being answered.
I was the “fat kid” for a good portion of my life. I loved being a tomboy and having all the boys as my friends. I was never shy or nervous in front of them because I guess I was like them…..hell I looked like them!!! Then high school started creeping around the corner. I noticed the boys started liking other girls and talking to pretty girls. All of a sudden, I was left behind. So, I did what a lot of girls did then, I stopped eating. Soon, I found myself wearing a size 2, running every day and only eating ½ a bagel in the morning and the other ½ at night. Much to my surprise, I still never got asked to a dance. So, I started praying.
Every night when I went to sleep I ended my prayers in tears, begging God to let me have a boyfriend. I wanted to know what it was like to be “liked”. I wanted to know someone was actually looking at me and liking what they saw. I didn’t want to keep hoping someone would ask me to the dance knowing I would have to ask one of my friends from another school. I just knew that if I prayed every night hard enough God would certainly give me what I needed. At the time, I didn’t know how right I was.
I ended my nightly prayers with a boyfriend request well into college. Still, no answer. What I didn’t know was that He was actually answering me. I have spent a large portion of my life thinking I need feelings from someone else to make me feel normal. To make me like everyone else. Finding that love of your life was the whole point of going to college, right? Well, I have some news……
I found love. I was 24, living in “paradise” with a man who adored me. Everything was great. He was the life of the party, but showed me a sincere side no one else got to see. He made me feel like I was the core of his life. Everything he did was for us……but it wasn’t. I finally had to start asking myself how much he really loved me if he never respected one request I ever made. From putting his plate in the sink to cutting back on his drinking, he never once listened to what I wanted. If everything he did was for us, then why was it all done at my expense? I finally looked at him and realized how much I used to like myself. At that point, all I wanted in life was to get myself back.
So, I did. I cried. I moved. I cried some more. I made new friends. Rekindled with old friends. Tried new things. Moved again. Then, I realized, I had stopped crying and started laughing. Laughing at everything!!!!
Today, I was on my way home from work, driving along the water, and two thoughts hit me right in the face:
If you find yourself loving someone more than you love yourself, you will find yourself missing out on the best part of life.
I love to stand on the edge of a cliff, because the thrill isn’t in jumping, it’s in finding out what pushes you. Sometimes you don’t even notice the thrill until you have hit the ground and look up.
I guess you could say God did answer my prayer. While I was asking for a boyfriend, God heard the needs of my heart and he gave it to me.
Thursday, August 7, 2008
Sunday, August 3, 2008
The Best Month EVER
Much better. I was getting really sick of that green and brown color. I am sure I will get sick of this one too, but it works for now.
It has been a pretty rough week. Work is wearing me down, my personal life went berserk, and I have been an emotional basket case. Poor me. Cry me a river. What I should be thinking is how grateful I am to not only have a job, but to have one I love. I should be thankful he doesn’t think I am a lunatic for being so dramatic. What can I say? I miss him.
This weekend was a great start to a new perspective and the best month ever. It is finally August. For a whole month I get to celebrate my birthday!! Who knows if I actually have the right to, but I sure do love to enjoy my birthday. Here is the run-down of the month and I am soooo excited!
Aug 1. Got to reunite with an old friend. My mom told me that my friend Lyles lived down here with her husband and little girl. I haven’t seen Lyles in years and didn’t even know what she was doing. We talked for a good hour and with such ease. It is always good to catch up with an old friend, but even better to pick up where you left off.
Aug 2. Amazing party here in Gulf Shores for Drew and Hannah!! I got to wear a really pretty dress (thank you Jana!!) and play P&A with some old friends from school. That’s right, we brought out drinking games at an engagement party. Perfect.
Aug 6. Possible Journey concert with my sweet friend Jana and her husband. Why not?
Aug 8-9. Nashville comes to the beach!! Laurel, Pallie, Libby (who has never seen the Gulf), and Miranda are headed down to see me…and I guess the beach too. The weekend will be filled with some hot sun time, tasty cookouts, and unforgettable memories. We will certainly miss Sarah, but I am sure we will spare a few laughs at her expense. She does have a way of making people smile even when she isn’t there.
Aug 14-17. Lee will be down here and hopefully I will get to spend some time with him. I am going to spend the weekend at the Bay with mom, dad, Gibbs, Prad, Prad’s parents and uncle Michael. I smile just thinking about it!!
Aug 22-23. Dikki Du and the Zydeco Krew!!!! Hell yeah. I am headed to SoWal to see my girls and get a little zydeco in my step. I’m even going to stop in at my new favorite bar over there, La Botana, to get me some birthday champagne and some good laughs.
Aug 30. Freckle Fest has arrived!!!!!!!! I will turn 26, probably add some more grey hair to my head and smile for days on end.
No matter what is going on in your life, always and I mean always take the time to enjoy it. Make a big deal out of the little things. I promise you will have more fun each and every day.
It has been a pretty rough week. Work is wearing me down, my personal life went berserk, and I have been an emotional basket case. Poor me. Cry me a river. What I should be thinking is how grateful I am to not only have a job, but to have one I love. I should be thankful he doesn’t think I am a lunatic for being so dramatic. What can I say? I miss him.
This weekend was a great start to a new perspective and the best month ever. It is finally August. For a whole month I get to celebrate my birthday!! Who knows if I actually have the right to, but I sure do love to enjoy my birthday. Here is the run-down of the month and I am soooo excited!
Aug 1. Got to reunite with an old friend. My mom told me that my friend Lyles lived down here with her husband and little girl. I haven’t seen Lyles in years and didn’t even know what she was doing. We talked for a good hour and with such ease. It is always good to catch up with an old friend, but even better to pick up where you left off.
Aug 2. Amazing party here in Gulf Shores for Drew and Hannah!! I got to wear a really pretty dress (thank you Jana!!) and play P&A with some old friends from school. That’s right, we brought out drinking games at an engagement party. Perfect.
Aug 6. Possible Journey concert with my sweet friend Jana and her husband. Why not?
Aug 8-9. Nashville comes to the beach!! Laurel, Pallie, Libby (who has never seen the Gulf), and Miranda are headed down to see me…and I guess the beach too. The weekend will be filled with some hot sun time, tasty cookouts, and unforgettable memories. We will certainly miss Sarah, but I am sure we will spare a few laughs at her expense. She does have a way of making people smile even when she isn’t there.
Aug 14-17. Lee will be down here and hopefully I will get to spend some time with him. I am going to spend the weekend at the Bay with mom, dad, Gibbs, Prad, Prad’s parents and uncle Michael. I smile just thinking about it!!
Aug 22-23. Dikki Du and the Zydeco Krew!!!! Hell yeah. I am headed to SoWal to see my girls and get a little zydeco in my step. I’m even going to stop in at my new favorite bar over there, La Botana, to get me some birthday champagne and some good laughs.
Aug 30. Freckle Fest has arrived!!!!!!!! I will turn 26, probably add some more grey hair to my head and smile for days on end.
No matter what is going on in your life, always and I mean always take the time to enjoy it. Make a big deal out of the little things. I promise you will have more fun each and every day.
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
A Google Surprise
Don't you just love Googling yourself? I do. Especially when this article surfaces and really shows the world my classy charm: http://www.sportsline.com/spin/story/9956132/3. Please note my level of intelligence in submitting this comment under the username SEARCY YODER!!!! They will never figure out who wrote that.
I don't know how on earth I have been able to get a job let alone maintain one after a rampage like this one. On second thought, maybe this is why I was hired by a magazine! They fell in love with my unbelievable writing skills.
Laura - this one is STILL dedicated to you and Martha.
I don't know how on earth I have been able to get a job let alone maintain one after a rampage like this one. On second thought, maybe this is why I was hired by a magazine! They fell in love with my unbelievable writing skills.
Laura - this one is STILL dedicated to you and Martha.
Patient Love
The will of her heart, the thrill of her character…there is no better combination.
All my life I have worked hard at making sure she and I were nothing alike.
I fought her on everything from school to sports...even over my white fringed cowboy boots.
I always dreamed big of living in different places and becoming different people, but her dreams were different; a little more close to home. For so many years I used her as an obstacle I couldn’t get through, an excuse as to why I wasn’t doing all the things I wanted to.
I was loud and stubborn, pretty damn hurtful and difficult. Lord knows I was her biggest challenge.
But, everything I was, she was and more.
I saw a selfish woman with no clue who I could be, but every time I slammed that door on her, all she saw was me.
She knocked me down so I’d learn to stand back up.
There came a time in my life when I thought I had ruined it all. I thought she would never know how to see me again. She would continue to watch as I continued to fall.
Sometimes it takes falling on your knees to see what is real in your life. So when I got back on my feet, I saw a woman standing in front of me….the one I wanted to be.
The thrill of her character, the will of her heart are things I only pray she sees in me.
Happy Birthday, Mom. You deserve more than a bowl of flowers!!!!
All my life I have worked hard at making sure she and I were nothing alike.
I fought her on everything from school to sports...even over my white fringed cowboy boots.
I always dreamed big of living in different places and becoming different people, but her dreams were different; a little more close to home. For so many years I used her as an obstacle I couldn’t get through, an excuse as to why I wasn’t doing all the things I wanted to.
I was loud and stubborn, pretty damn hurtful and difficult. Lord knows I was her biggest challenge.
But, everything I was, she was and more.
I saw a selfish woman with no clue who I could be, but every time I slammed that door on her, all she saw was me.
She knocked me down so I’d learn to stand back up.
There came a time in my life when I thought I had ruined it all. I thought she would never know how to see me again. She would continue to watch as I continued to fall.
Sometimes it takes falling on your knees to see what is real in your life. So when I got back on my feet, I saw a woman standing in front of me….the one I wanted to be.
The thrill of her character, the will of her heart are things I only pray she sees in me.
Happy Birthday, Mom. You deserve more than a bowl of flowers!!!!
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
Seriously, one of my favorite lines in a song:
"You could make a hurricane write a sonnet." - Tab Benoit
What does it mean to you?
What does it mean to you?
Fast and Free
"If I could get started in the right direction
I might just get to where I want to go
But my heart beats like a rhythm section
I've got to tell myself to take it slow
And it's a good thing how you want to be anxious
And it's a good thing your getting ready to roll
But nothing that was every worth while, child
Came fast and free to my soul" -Tab Benoit
These are the lyrics of a musician whose music has the tendency to stay in your soul long after the song is over. I frequently find myself tapping my feet to his songs playing in my head while I sit in my quiet office, attempting to work.
The real beauty of this song is that it can make me keep its beat on my steering wheel while slapping me across the face at the same time. Seriously. I have been in love with this song for months now and just heard what it had to say the other night.
Of all people in this world I may be one of the most anxious. I always have a plan which must be executed precisely on time or my body is left feeling completely off balance. Whenever I get an idea in my head or figure out what it is I want, I have to act on it right then. I can never wait to do anything. I guess that is why I have moved states every year or so for the past three years!!
Point being, Tab is right on target. Although I am anxious and always ready to go, I have found that everything in my life that is fulfilling has been worth the wait. I have to admit there are plenty of things in my life I try to take control of myself, so God can take care of the bigger issues, but we all know it just simply doesn’t work this way.
It is moments like last Friday night when I finally heard the words to this song and understood why I loved it so much. It is one of those daily joys we all get but don’t always see, when God says, “Hey, I got this one too”.
I might just get to where I want to go
But my heart beats like a rhythm section
I've got to tell myself to take it slow
And it's a good thing how you want to be anxious
And it's a good thing your getting ready to roll
But nothing that was every worth while, child
Came fast and free to my soul" -Tab Benoit
These are the lyrics of a musician whose music has the tendency to stay in your soul long after the song is over. I frequently find myself tapping my feet to his songs playing in my head while I sit in my quiet office, attempting to work.
The real beauty of this song is that it can make me keep its beat on my steering wheel while slapping me across the face at the same time. Seriously. I have been in love with this song for months now and just heard what it had to say the other night.
Of all people in this world I may be one of the most anxious. I always have a plan which must be executed precisely on time or my body is left feeling completely off balance. Whenever I get an idea in my head or figure out what it is I want, I have to act on it right then. I can never wait to do anything. I guess that is why I have moved states every year or so for the past three years!!
Point being, Tab is right on target. Although I am anxious and always ready to go, I have found that everything in my life that is fulfilling has been worth the wait. I have to admit there are plenty of things in my life I try to take control of myself, so God can take care of the bigger issues, but we all know it just simply doesn’t work this way.
It is moments like last Friday night when I finally heard the words to this song and understood why I loved it so much. It is one of those daily joys we all get but don’t always see, when God says, “Hey, I got this one too”.
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
What's Hard to Remember is Even Harder to Forget
When your friends live so far away, do you ever forget just how much they make your heart smile? Of course you know how much you love them and you could talk about how great they are, but you never seem to remember that tingly feeling you get when you see their eyes, hear their voices, and touch their skin. It's like you have forgotten how their friendship makes you feel until you see it all come back on their faces.
I have spent the past two days trying to get over how much I enjoyed myself this past 4th of July. I can't seem to get the memories and the words of this past weekend out of my head, and I am pretty sure I don't want to. They certainly will never leave my heart. For the first time in a long time I was able to relax at all times and not have to take charge (basically because Blake was WAY better at being in charge). I didn't care that I stayed out at the Flora Bama every night until they kicked us out. I didn't care that I waited for about two hours to get picked up on a boat. I was with friends who wanted to spend time with me and wanted to talk to me. That beats anything and everything. I laughed and smiled harder this weekend than in a long time. Seriously… my face hurts!
I made a lot of friends when I was in Auburn, but I don't think I ever knew how much we really all meant to each other. It doesn't matter if they were the friends I lived with, went out with, only saw at the bar or even only got to see a few times. We all meant something to each other then, and we certainly mean something to each other still.
As I am sitting at my computer at work on Monday and trying to get the memories of the weekend out of my head, I get an email from Laurel. She and four other of my “girls” from Nashville are coming to stay with me in a month. Are you serious? Talk about excitement overload!!! I am definitely the luckiest girl around…at least hangin’ around this town!
I have spent the past two years getting back to who I am and falling back in love with myself. Well, all I have to say about that is: Check. But the real truth is.....I am totally in love with my friends.
I have spent the past two days trying to get over how much I enjoyed myself this past 4th of July. I can't seem to get the memories and the words of this past weekend out of my head, and I am pretty sure I don't want to. They certainly will never leave my heart. For the first time in a long time I was able to relax at all times and not have to take charge (basically because Blake was WAY better at being in charge). I didn't care that I stayed out at the Flora Bama every night until they kicked us out. I didn't care that I waited for about two hours to get picked up on a boat. I was with friends who wanted to spend time with me and wanted to talk to me. That beats anything and everything. I laughed and smiled harder this weekend than in a long time. Seriously… my face hurts!
I made a lot of friends when I was in Auburn, but I don't think I ever knew how much we really all meant to each other. It doesn't matter if they were the friends I lived with, went out with, only saw at the bar or even only got to see a few times. We all meant something to each other then, and we certainly mean something to each other still.
As I am sitting at my computer at work on Monday and trying to get the memories of the weekend out of my head, I get an email from Laurel. She and four other of my “girls” from Nashville are coming to stay with me in a month. Are you serious? Talk about excitement overload!!! I am definitely the luckiest girl around…at least hangin’ around this town!
I have spent the past two years getting back to who I am and falling back in love with myself. Well, all I have to say about that is: Check. But the real truth is.....I am totally in love with my friends.
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